Fear of Oblivion

Friday, May 28, 2021

When night falls, I don't feel excited to sleep.

If I didn't need sleep, I wouldn't. I mean, is there another way to get a full rest without shutting one's eyes and laying unconscious?

I'm desperate here.

I know very well how a good night's sleep feels. But I've been having trouble falling asleep.

And I've just realized that it's because I don't want to.

I've bought melatonin thinking that if I just pop one in my mouth every night, I'd be able to sleep without hesitation. But now that I have them, I realized that it's because I just don't want to sleep.

I fear oblivion.

It's not the one about being forgotten. It's the flip side. It's about being afraid to forget.

I got lots I want to do. Every day I say I'll do them but I always run out of time. Maybe I hesitate too much. It's probably just another excuse that's just as sad.

When I wake up and feel like I have enough time and then realize by the end of the day that I haven't done what I said I'd do, I usually think that it's because I slept that's why I forgot.

Ain't it funny? Well, it sometimes is. Better laugh than be bitter. And then just hope that the next day, I'll wake up remembering everything.

Am I anxious about the future? About the present?

What am I even doing?

What am I avoiding doing?

Is sleeping really the problem?

I'm probably just looking for something to blame for not having done anything yet.

Yup, it's probably that last one.


Photo by Yash Raut on Unsplash

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