Fear of Oblivion

Friday, May 28, 2021

When night falls, I don't feel excited to sleep.

If I didn't need sleep, I wouldn't. I mean, is there another way to get a full rest without shutting one's eyes and laying unconscious?

I'm desperate here.

I know very well how a good night's sleep feels. But I've been having trouble falling asleep.

And I've just realized that it's because I don't want to.

I've bought melatonin thinking that if I just pop one in my mouth every night, I'd be able to sleep without hesitation. But now that I have them, I realized that it's because I just don't want to sleep.

I fear oblivion.

It's not the one about being forgotten. It's the flip side. It's about being afraid to forget.

I got lots I want to do. Every day I say I'll do them but I always run out of time. Maybe I hesitate too much. It's probably just another excuse that's just as sad.

When I wake up and feel like I have enough time and then realize by the end of the day that I haven't done what I said I'd do, I usually think that it's because I slept that's why I forgot.

Ain't it funny? Well, it sometimes is. Better laugh than be bitter. And then just hope that the next day, I'll wake up remembering everything.

Am I anxious about the future? About the present?

What am I even doing?

What am I avoiding doing?

Is sleeping really the problem?

I'm probably just looking for something to blame for not having done anything yet.

Yup, it's probably that last one.


***

Photo by Yash Raut on Unsplash

You Might Also Like

0 comments