Shifts & Whirlwinds

Sunday, February 28, 2021

What changed since my last post?

I have a job now 🎉
(which I'm excited but kinda nervous about)

What stayed the same?

I'm still frustrated 🙈
(nothing new really)

***

You know how this year started objectively for me? (maybe not but I'm implying that it did 😜). Well, it's not as if it's gotten all chaotic and murky but I do believe my head's gotten stuck in a whirlwind. Not a wild one, just the calm kind. 

I'm still aware and I still see the path that I chose to explore soon as the rooster crowed and broke 2021's first dawn. But, although I've been through quite a few shifts so far, I didn't expect this one to affect me the way it did.

Maybe it's because of how the last quarter of 2020 contrasted with this new start. 😵

Think of a time when everything seemed to be falling into place, the stars aligning in this part of the universe for you. Of course, you feel lucky and elated, suddenly wondering what you have done to receive such a blessing... and then that one thought stops you on your tracks in a heartbeat. 

What have you done to receive such a blessing? And when you can think of nothing, you start to feel paranoid and anxious... that maybe the heavens, the universe, the luck that brought you all the good news just made an error and it'll be no easy feat for any of those higher consciousness to take it all back in one big swoop!

That's what it felt like the pass couple of weeks. Is it imposter syndrome? Maybe. No matter what it's called, I can only keep going and do my best to deserve what I have been blessed with. I am sincerely grateful and I must show it, live it.

Being a beginner again is a little frustrating but what I'm sure of is that I've been through multiple beginnings throughout my career. Each time, I ended up learning a lot and having more confidence than when I started. That knowledge about myself and the nature of experiences in general keeps me hopeful enough.

Regarding what stayed the same, it's about a personal project that I've declared to the universe I'm going to do this year no matter what. (will share it here, of course! hopefully soon... 🙏) 

I'm trying to find my rhythm so my first 2 goals can co-exist and thrive. 🌱

I started the year consuming everything that provided motivation, clarity, and guidance. I thought that when I finally land a job I'd be ready to hit the ground running. Maybe I've gotten overdosed on positivity. 😨 

In the books, everything sounded breezy and possible. Even if there's always a caveat, it's as if you can overcome it easily when it happens in the real world. But it's different, since the feelings of self-doubt is all too real outside the books.

I guess my strength lies in being able to acknowledge all these and still having the resolve to keep going, to figure out what I can do better. After all, most of us humans are resilient like that. The only problem is that, most times, we recognize and accept these imperfections and insecurities of ours too late.

Well, I'm realizing all these by the end of February and I'm glad that I did.

***

If you're going through the same thing or maybe just feeling uneasy about something you can't seem to pinpoint... 

I hope you find courage and time to sit with yourself and ask what's wrong. 💖

Don't make the mistake of ignoring your feelings and not doing anything about it. 


Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

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