A Victim

Friday, December 25, 2020

I just realized that I have always been a victim of my own false positivity.

For the past few years of pursuing mindfulness, self-awareness, and self-discovery. I feel that I haven’t tried my best in doing so. I think about lot of stuff but I still haven’t acted accordingly. I kept doing the things in ways I’ve been doing them in spite of my realizations and internal efforts to reset my mind.

In essence, it’s like I’ve been taking note of the lessons and not really putting them into good use. As soon as I’ve written them and closed my notebook, I instantly forgot and went on with my life as usual. Out of sight, out of mind. That might be why I feel like I’ve been failing even though there are times I feel like I’m aready trying my best.

Forgetting has always been one of my fears. I want to remember everything that’s essential, every bit of life that I have come to cherish, each moment that gave my existence a lot more meaning. Unfortunately, when overwhelmed by this fear, it’s exactly what happens... I forget. And when I remember again, I feel regret, self-pity, self-blame, and apologetic for not doing my best just when I said I would.

During times of remembering, I’d think to myself that if I just focus and put my mind to it, I can eventually succeed. But having forgotten and having failed to remember so many times, I’m no longer capable of feeling confident in myself. 

Of course, I’d always say I won’t give up and keep trying. I even say that course-correcting and getting up after each failed attempt is a talent of mine. Well, it is, and I truly believe in that. I realized though that there were instances when it felt like false positivity and borderline toxic even for me. Even though I’m capable of embracing my emotions as they are, which matters during bad days, my timing and discernment has really been off, especially these days/this year.

Today is Christmas and it feels that writing this is such a downer. The depressing title is also noticeable but the thought is making me laugh a bit. Writing this is also making me wonder what I would do with this realization moving forward. I want to be hopeful and I’m wishing I would know when it’s appropriate and when it’s becoming toxic. I hope I can make significant progress soon.

I haven’t been doing my best and it’s something I want to change. I don’t want to always fall victim to my own thoughts.

Photo by Carl Newton on Unsplash

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