A Spectator

Friday, December 18, 2020


This year feels so damn long. Usually, with a lot going on, time seems unstoppable and before we know it, it runs out. This scenario though, feels more like a movie. A scene where humans run in slow motion panic as the rest of the world crumbles in a fast forward fashion. Nature now unconcerned with the suffering mankind who brought them destruction and the current inability to replenish as fast as civilization demanded it.

Mother Earth is crying. Humans are crying. I wonder if both understand why each ended up the way they are now.

I've been looking inward in the past months, trying to understand how I can work and thrive in such circumstances. Recently though, I've been experimenting. I've been trying to set myself apart from everything. As if I'm a character in another reality where the book I've been reading and holding is the world where you exist. I turn the pages, interpret, imagine, and witness how you and your world's fate unfold.

In this other reality, I've been reading your story with a straight-face but with a heavy chest. At awe with the protagonists who keep upholding their duties and beliefs. Hateful towards the antagonists with their petty but sometimes unexpectedly viable excuses to keep wrecking havoc and sacrificing their own kind. 

Through all the twists and turns though, no matter how I feel and how close I get to reacting, I keep my face straight. I don't want to feel too affected. It's just a book. I can't do anything since everything's already been written. I just want to keep reading and see how the story ends. 

If your end is a happy one, I'd be happy for you and your world. If it's a tragic or bleak open-ended one, hmmm... I think I kind of understand how that would happen. The me in this reality doesn't feel any guilt about sitting at home, safe, blessed though jobless.

I must be aspiring to become a stoic. Maybe I want to be able to go through the worst and look as cool as I can. Not emotionless. Just unfazed.

I actually don't feel unfortunate to be one of the characters in the book I've been reading in that other reality I've been imagining. I also don't feel like I want to become a different, cooler, rock-solid person. I think I simply felt like escaping my real world concerns and found shelter in my imagination. 

I've been detaching a bit and it felt like just what I needed.

***

KAREN’S NOTES
(to self and to anyone who cares)

What did you just read?
I also don't know but I had fun.
😜

TY for reading! 


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