Sure & Unsure

Friday, September 04, 2020

At the moment, I’m in-between feeling sure and unsure about my thoughts, feelings, and next steps in life. It’s as if I’ve temporarily lost my center, just like a broken compass. 

Feeling empty, heavy, and unwilling to step forward.

I’m afraid that if I start to think about tomorrow and seriously consider what to do next, I might instantly forget and I don’t want to. Maybe it’s because everything feels so unfinished and filled with only unsatisfying reasons for endings. A part of everybody’s story ended with ripped off pages.

How tragic… But alas, no one has control over anything at this point. After all, no one ever did.

Since the Philippines’ largest network lost its franchise last July, all of us that belonged to that one big family called the Kapamilya Network knew, that it’s only the beginning of the losses that will follow. An employee losing a job, losing a home, losing a second family, and then eventually, God forbid, losing means to provide for their family and extended families (especially in the midst of a pandemic). We’ve all been praying that it won’t come to this and when it did, all we could do was to assume and hope that it happened for a reason in the grander scale of things.

We’re emotionally tired, angry, and upset but all we can do now is to move forward, take everything we’ve learned, and do our best to remember. Because forgetting is definitely not an option. This should make us stronger, wiser, and eager to do better and to fight harder next time. This means something and we shouldn’t let anyone take away its meaning. The company took care of us in ways not all employers do and it became a home where we met friends who we faced hardships with and eventually became each other's second family.

As much as I know how I feel about what happened, I’m struggling to actually move forward at present.

I find myself escaping confrontation. Watching random videos on YouTube, reading stuff on the internet, listening to podcasts, and finding other excuses not to reflect, write, or to just simply clear up my mind. Right now, I’ve managed to find a reason to stop escaping and making excuses.

I was tempted to just let it be and write about other much optimistic realizations during these times, but not writing about it makes it seem unimportant and deserving to be forgotten. A lot of us didn’t just lose a job or a workplace, we lost a home and were separated from the family that helped us to grow, to improve in our craft, and to be better people. Of course, we can still keep in touch, but this and that are different.

I’m lucky to have family and friends who understand when I tell them how hard it is for me to motivate myself these days or how I still don’t feel like doing anything. They tell me to just take it easy, not to rush, and just be kind to myself. Maybe it’s reverse psychology because I started to write soon after I told them I won’t force myself to do anything or try to be productive when I really don't feel like it. And the thing I’m realizing now is that it’s because I’m not forcing it that I can finally write this.

Maybe I just needed a moment of silence to grieve, to feel the sadness of losing something important, to feel the absence of what I and many others will be missing.

I started writing this entry feeling both sure and unsure and I’m finishing it with the same feelings, only more defined…

Sure that I want to start moving forward and still unsure of what’s to come.
And I guess I’ll be okay with just knowing that.


(to self and to anyone who cares)

It's just the usual me trying to make sense 
of who i am and what i feel by writing.
This is my version of catharsis so i can 
move forward whenever i feel paralyzed.

TY for reading! 

Photo by Jordan Madrid on Unsplash

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