Sharp & Sparkling

Monday, July 27, 2020


Time is ticking but you can’t feel it moving.
Things, events, spectacles are happening but you don’t feel fully part of any.

There’s a certain feeling of detachment and still an acknowledgment of involvement. Maybe it’s the distractions we plot throughout our days, weeks, and months that we think might help us cope with everything the world is going through right now. And yet, there’s still that awareness that you must know and remember everything you’re feeling and all that has brought everyone to this moment. So that in the future, you and everyone who value love, freedom, and everything else you unconsciously took for granted, would know better.

Inside my head swims all kinds of emotions. Good or not so good (yes, I avoided saying b*d), each one is sparkling with a certain glow and sharpness that won’t permit me to ignore them nor refocus my attention. A few of the not so good ones reminded me that they are there for a reason, for me to learn the things I should let go of and still, cherish and remember.

Impatience. I wasn’t aware of my impatience and it made feelings such as anger, jealousy, frustration, and hopelessness more accessible. Having to wait longer. Having to think that maybe it isn’t meant to be, or feel afraid that it’s never ever going to happen. Having to feel that maybe everything’s not going to be fine anymore and we just have to accept it. Having to ask, “What now?” Feeling stumped and yet, still capable of moving forward.

Grief. I was fully aware of this one. At some point, my friends and I knew what was coming and what we’ll soon be losing. The only thing expected was that it’ll eventually happen but when the impending tragedy finally hit, how much it hurt felt unexpected. Emptying a dam of tears and feeling such suffocating pain for days on end really is dreadful. However, it is a need to grieve so we can go on. It’s still a blessing that we have each other.

Aimless. I became afraid of asking about purpose or meaning. I was scared to find out that there was none left anymore. In this version of the world where “planning” suddenly felt daunting, aiming to achieve something, to accomplish one’s dreams, or to even just imagine either happening, feels surreal. Everyday it’s a question of, “Is it still possible?” But aimless as I have become, I keep trying to float as lightly as I can.

We get ticked off for not having control over anything. But, did we really have control to start with? I’m not so sure but acknowledging that I was craving for control and accepting that it’s not possible helped me get through the emotional rapids of July. My little boat broke down every time I tried to go against the current and it was only when I accepted my incapabilities and went with the flow that I was able to slowly restore a healthy state of mind.

Today, four days before July ends, I realized that we often confuse being in control with being strong, being successful, or to some extent, being loved. And when we do, we become in danger of obsessing over control and forgetting what’s really important.

To feel okay or just fine.
To be fulfilled with simple achievements.
To love unconditionally.
And so on…


***


KAREN’S NOTES

(to self and to anyone who cares)


No plans. No notes. No guide.
Just started typing and this was what came out.
Raw and from my heart.


TY for reading! 


Photo by rashid khreiss on Unsplash



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2 comments

  1. Hugs Karen! I agree, sometimes it's not about feeling fine, sometimes just acknowledging that things are happening is enough. One baby step at a time. :)

    I hope you things would be better soon.
    Missing you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, we'll be alright no matter what. Miss you too, Jhanzey! 💖

    ReplyDelete