Intense Feelings

Saturday, June 20, 2020

I woke up early today and this morning feels a lot gentler than the others that recently passed. My thoughts seem to be floating and flowing, slowly, all at the same time. I hear the birds chirping from outside the window. I haven’t heard them for quite a while, must be because it’s been too noisy inside my head these days.

Intense feelings have been tiring me out, namely doubt, frustration, sadness, uselessness, etc. The last few days felt so long. These emotions were somehow paralyzing. Well, at least not physically. If I listed down everything I did on the daily, I could’ve fooled myself that I was just fine and I should not be bothered by anything.

And that’s exactly the dilemma, so much was happening and there’s a lot to be bothered about. Issues that highlight inequality, injustice, and false promises. Each one’s existence and persistence even in these “modern” times, as they claim it to be.

They say history repeats itself and that it was an unavoidable pattern brought about by human nature. But isn’t that sad? To accept that it just is and will always be. I don’t think I could ever accept that and I’m glad that there are so many others and brave souls out there who continue to fight even in the face of a pandemic. Equality, justice, and reform should exist and must persist not to be forgotten. 

So much has been happening and all I could do was post and repost on social media and just feel intensely about each one. Intense anger. Intense frustration. Intense sadness. Intense helplessness. I really hoped I could do more. I wished I was as brave as the others.

I kept moving but I wasn’t able to take my goals seriously for a while. It was harder to push through and my intentions were dissipating. Maybe, I felt guilty. It suddenly felt selfish to focus on myself. For just a bit, I numbed myself and functioned on auto pilot.

No one probably noticed since the difference was all inside. How everything didn’t feel right. How I actually didn’t feel like doing anything. But, I decided to just keep going.

Thinking about it, I have felt this way countless of times and have slipped into slumps for much longer periods in the past. And this may be the first time I was able to have awareness in the midst of it – to be bothered and still have the courage to acknowledge why instead of run away. I’m proud of myself for that. It helped me realize sooner that I didn’t need for everything to be okay to feel that it’s okay to keep going, to stay hopeful, and to feel positive about the future.

The present we have now may not be what we’re hoping for but it will and it can still become what it ought to be. In the same way, we may not be the person we want ourselves to be right this instant but we’ll get there.

Personally, I feel intensely about a lot of things and most times find myself lacking to defend my position. There’s so much I don’t know about our history and how it all came to this. But I do know that when something doesn’t feel right, there’s a need to figure it out and do something about it.

There’s so much I have to learn and I think what matters is that I’m willing to. I’ve got a lot to know about our roots and for now, I’ll have to satisfy myself by doing just that.

"Stand ye calm and resolute,
Like a forest close and mute,
With folded arms and looks which are
Weapons of unvanquished war.

And if then the tyrants dare,
Let them ride among you there;
Slash, and stab, and maim and hew;
What they like, that let them do.

With folded arms and steady eyes,
And little fear, and less surprise,
Look upon them as they slay,
Till their rage has died away.”

– Percy Bysshe Shelley, excerpt from the Masque of Anarchy



(to self and to anyone who cares)

Just pouring out all that’s bothering me
along with the thoughts that helped me
realize that it’s okay to feel bothered
and to keep going anyway.

This is me reminding myself to keep moving,
lightly, one little step at a time, until my moves
become heavy and significant.
TY for reading! 

Photo by Joshua Newton on Unsplash

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  1. It's okay to be selfish once in a while. What's not okay is pretending to be blind of the reality we have now. It'll get better. We can only hope.

    1. True. Let's keep our eyes open and take what we can from every experience. Make the pain and hurt worth it. Never stop hoping. :)